the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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