why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
