I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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