Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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