3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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