I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
