Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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