So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I fill condoms, not promises.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
