I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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