I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm gonna fight the coyote
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
