I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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