I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
