I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
