i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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