I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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