please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
