my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
