i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
