I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
