Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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