Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
