No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
