dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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