just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
