New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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