After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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