Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
