I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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