the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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