I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
