yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
