That's when you crack a 10am beer
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
