she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
