you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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