i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
