i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
