no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
