i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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