I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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