Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I party with great urgency now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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