i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
