dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
