My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
