I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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