So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So many bounce houses so little time
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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