I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
