She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
