I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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