happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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