It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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