so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
